This Could Be Why You’re Still Single…

By: Karabo Mashaba

Love and companionship. These are elements that are quite necessary for a human beings’ emotional and mental well being. While capitalism has managed to romanticize the idea of financial wealth as an ultimate life goal, the attainment of companionship is a very relevant dream that a lot of us (myself included) often take for granted.

“I’m too focused on school; I haven’t found the right person yet; I’m just way too busy to date right now.” These are some of the main excuses I always give when being confronted with the question of why I’m still single. That is why, at almost 21 years of age, yours truly has never experienced being in a romantic relationship. The people in my life know me as someone who doesn’t really care about being in one. You’d probably imagine me as one of those 30 year olds who's married to her career and has devoted herself to being a 'plant mom'.

As much as these reasons may be valid, I recently learned the actual reason behind this: I have a deep-rooted fear of intimacy and commitment which stems from the way I was raised, and ultimately led to the attachment style I developed from my first few tender years of life.

This is rooted in what is known as attachment theory – a psychological model explaining how we deal with security and insecurities in our relationships. Our level of security in intimate relationships depends partly on how we bonded with our parents when we were younger. From the moment you are born, your parent or guardian is the one you become dependent on to fulfill your needs for love and comfort. Hence, they are referred to as ‘attachment figures’.

As a child, having your distress or cries responded to in a warm and loving manner will help you feel supported. This means that you are more likely to be trusting with your emotions. However, the opposite may happen where your caregiver downplays your emotions or rejects the relevance of these feelings. In this regard, the child will learn to suppress their emotions or deal with them alone. This is referred to as ‘deactivating attachment strategies’.

There are also instances where the parent is quite inconsistent in supporting the child’s emotional needs. Sometimes they’re present, other times not. Or maybe, the parent may provide support, but not the kind needed for the child’s well being. For example, you express how much you doubt yourself about a particular task and instead of receiving reassurance, the person you confide in tries to be sympathetic by telling you that your goal is too hard to attain anyway. This excessive worry and constant need for validation is what is called ‘hyper-activating strategies’.

These strategies, along with our own personal beliefs on relationships shape the attachment style we practice in our adult life. There are 4 main attachment styles which are as follows:

1. Secure

This is the only healthy attachment style in this model as people who are securely attached grew up in an environment that is positively responsive to their emotional needs. Those who fall in this category are most likely to enjoy trusting and lasting relationships compared to the other styles.

2. Anxious Preoccupied aka ‘the clingy type’

This style is as a result of being raised in an environment that is inconsistently attuned to your emotions. When parents display such inconsistency, this leaves their children feeling very confused, insecure and not knowing what kind of treatment to expect. They then grow to become distrustful and express this through 'clinginess'. They subconsciously learn that this is the only way their needs can be met. An anxious attachment style is therefore developed as a result of an unpredictable parent.

3. Fearful avoidant aka ‘the inconsistent lover’

A person with this attachment style lives in an indecisive state of being afraid to be too close or too distant from others. They may actively seek relationships, but when these become too serious, they may respond to this by withdrawing or becoming distant. According to MindBodyGreen.com, children with this style have traumatic experiences with their caregiver and desperately desire comfort. However, they have learnt not to be trusting with their emotions. This manifests into hot and cold behavior, which can leave the partner of the fearful avoidant very confused or frustrated.

4. Dismissive Avoidant aka ‘the emotionally unavailable partner’

If you (like me) fall into this category, you most probably see yourself as independent and used to dealing with your emotions on your own. The dismissive avoidant partner often maintains hard walls, can be emotionally distant and has a hard time opening up to their partner. Even close friendships are hard to establish. This is the category I find myself stuck in. As a result, my romantic life is filled with casual date after casual date, but I struggle to commit to anything serious. Signs of this include keeping the relationship surface level, avoiding emotional intimacy and resisting vulnerability. This is usually rooted in absent or emotionally unavailable parents.

The attachment style that you develop is embedded in your subconscious mind. You are not consciously aware of it. This is why it is important to recognize your own toxic behavioral patterns, forgive your parents, and comfort and nurture your inner wounded child. In this way, your healing can help you transition to a more secure and healthy attachment style. HM

Want to identify your attachment style? Take the quiz below to find out which category you belong to:

https://attachment.personaldevelopmentschool.com/ggl.php?gclid=

EAIaIQobChMIrpCf3YzD6gIVzbHtCh0gIAIMEAAYASAAEgLLrvD_BwE